Post by Woo on Jan 23, 2011 16:14:33 GMT -1
Royal Rumble 89
Okay 12 months later and here we are again with another Royal Rumble. 20 people have gone up to 30 people and they have learnt their lesson this time and put the match on last and have included all of their big stars including WWF Champion Randy Savage in addition to Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, Jake the Snake, Ted Dibiase and Bad News Brown, who along with the Twin Towers of Big Boss Man and Akeem, have been feuding with the Mega Powers leading into this PPV.
Last years winner Hacksaw Jim Duggan is not in this match and neither is the man who spent the longest time in last years rumble Bret Hart as they are both teaming up with Jim Anvil in a 6 man tag match. How stupid. Also unlike last years Rumble this match has a story going into it- earlier on the show the Million Dollar Man drew his number and looked horrified by it and was seen in the back talking to the manager of the Twin Towers, Slick. What could that all be about? Let’s wait and see..
Fink runs down the rules and in comes Demolition Ax who saunters down the ramp to his awesome music. It’s now time for #2 and lo and behold it’s the other tag team champion Smash! Demolition EXPLODES as Ax axes Smash and Smash smashes Ax in the ring. No Crushing going on yet. You could ask why these two didn’t just wait for number 3, but I like it as it adds to the ‘Everyman for themselves’ tagline they always use for rumbles.
Monsoon, who is thankfully replacing Vince this year, and Ventura discuss whether the Dibiase has been spreading his money around to try and get a good number and say that they don’t like Number 3’s chances as these two are sure to team up when #3 gets here and eliminate him. Good point as number 3 stands no chance, right?……
Only problem is #3 happens to be Andre, the freaking, Giant!! There is a huge “Oh my god!!! Reaction from the crowd as Andre is walked to the ring by Bobby the Brain Heenan and Gorilla says that once he has done that Bobby has to walk back up the aisle as managers are apparently not allowed at ringside, a rule that comes and goes in rumbles down the years. The big man gets in the ring and indeed Demolition are teaming up on him and connect with a big clothesline that stumbles the Giant and knocks him off his feet, to massive cheers. Gorilla says that Andre has won more battle royals than anybody else in WWE history and Jesse agrees saying “yeah, I think he up on me by one or two” haha.
The Giant is bravely fighting off both members of Demolition when the buzzer goes off again. The loudest jeers of the match thus far signal the arrival of Mr Perfect, who smartly takes his time to get to the ring…before going after the biggest threat in the ring…Oh no, he goes for Ax… so much for his intelligence. Andre grabs Smash by the head and chucks him over the ropes and now Perfect is like “ah….maybe we should double team Andre?” yes, yes you should. They both get Andre to the floor and then Ax turns on Perfect and whips him into the turnbuckles, making it everyman for himself again. Andre uses this distraction to recover and lock in a big shoulder claw time move on Ax. Henning comes to help but Andre connects with a massive head but which Perfect sells in his usual over-the-top awesome way.
In at #5 is Rugged Ronnie Garvin….yeah, I have no idea either. He teams up with the regular sized men and traps Andre in the ropes. Andre fights them all off and the commentators hype this match and say how dangerous it is. Funny how in a world that now has Hell in a Cell’s and Elimination Chambers to think that a Royal Rumble was once talked about as a dangerous match. They had cage matches back then though, odd… Andre gives Ax what looks like an early version of the Stink Face and the countdown starts up again.
#6 Greg the Hammer Valentine w/ Jimmy Hart. Jesse states that it will be interesting to see if Greg sides with Andre or tries to eliminate him and he isn’t left wondering for long as the Hammer hammers Andre with an elbow leading to a 4-on-1 assault. The Giant fights them all off, no sells some shots from Garvin, well it is Ronnie Garvin, and easily eliminates him. Now this is the good storytelling that last years rumble lacked.
#7 The roof almost explodes as Jake the Snake runs out. He goes right after Andre, they were feuding around this time- Jake had almost given Andre a heart attack by scaring him with Damien. Roberts doesn’t fare too well and Andre kicks the crap out of him, while the other 3 fight each other. Andre even shoves Ax away as if to say “stay out of this!”
#8 Is The Outlaw Rob Bass with a lot less hair than last year due to Brutus, The Barber, Beefcake. After being destroyed for two minutes Jake is history, Andre literally pushes him over the top rope. It’s a real ‘wtf?’ moment as Roberts was one of the big names in this match and is out already without doing anything. Hammer and Perfect attack Andrew while Ax and Bass slug it out in the opposite corner.
#9 is Shawn Michaels!! HBK is back in his Rockers days here so he is pretty much a jobber and is only in this match to make up the numbers really. Lovely purple tights though… Mr. Perfect then manages to throw Ax over the top rope and then tries the same trick to Michaels, but Shawn skins the cat and comes right back in after Curt. Shawn dropkicks Henning, who flies over the ropes, but is able to hang on in what is a great little exchange. I would to have loved to have seen these two wrestle much more times than they actually did. Oh well.
We are a third of the royal through the match as the countdown for the #10 entrant goes off and it’s…Bushwacker Butch, ugh- I hate Bushwhackers. The crowd are going mental!!! However it’s not for Butch, they have more taste than that, it’s Jake the Snake running back down the aisle! With Damien too!! Jake throws the huge python in the ring, which scares Andre, causing him to eliminate himself. Fantastic spot! Andre stays strong as nobody was able to eliminate him bar himself and Jake gets some heat back after being tossed out very easily. It also continues their feud going into Wrestlemania V so it’s great all round really. Meanwhile everyone in the ring hides in a ring corner afraid of Damien, which is a great touch. I really wished they did something like that with Bogeyman entering a rumble and scaring everyone.
Jesse screams that Andre was unfairly eliminated and that it opens the field for someone else to win it now that the Giant is gone. #11 now and here comes the Honky Tonk man… The match is now getting back to everyman for himself and Honky has tons of heat as proved by how excited they get every time someone has him teetering over the ropes. Jim Hart’s stooges Valentine and Honky try to eliminate HBK. Perfect then tries to get the ‘Greatest Intercontential Champion of all tme’ out and the crowd goes bananas.
#12 is Tito Santana who goes right for Henning, who with Andre out has been in this match longer than anybody as he was the fourth entrant. It’s now Butch’s turn to try and give the fans what they want and get Honky out of the ring, but that doesn’t work and he ends up biting him instead.
Unlucky #13 is Bad News Brown and Ventura jokes that this is a normal Saturday night for him. Tito and Santana throw out Honky to massive cheers. Tito then goes to work on Valentine while Butch walks around the ring like the idiot he is. HBK goes to the top rope and hit’s a double axe handle on Brown and Bass. He then falls prey to an atomic drop (why don’t we see that move these days?) and the momentum of which almost sends him flying out of the ring.
#14 is the second Rocker Marty Jannetty. Bass hammers him as soon as he enters but Marty is then saved by his great friend Shawn Michaels. They give him a double clothesline and follow this up with a double dropkick to eliminate The Outlaw. That was cool, good to see tag teams helping one another out in a match like this, it makes sense. Also cool to see Bass go. Bad News Brown is now being beat up by Butch, how embarrassing. Tito then hits Valentine with his trademark flying elbow and then tries to throw him over the ropes, smart move. Always found it stupid how sometimes people hit finishers in rumbles and then just leave the guys laying on the mat.
#15- The Champ is here!!! Randy Savage sprints to the ring and goes right after Bad News, who slapped Elizabeth a few weeks back. He doesn’t even take his glasses off! Randy’s serious! Huge reaction for the Macho Man has he pounds away at Brown, but Valentine stops this by clobbering him from behind. (That’s another thing we don’t get these days, commentators saying the word ‘clubber’, maybe it was just a Monsoon thing?) Meanwhile Butch is still doing nothing…. Mr Perfect has been in there quite a while now and is still looking good.
Over half way through now and Arn Anderson, one half of the Brain Busters, jogs to the ring. Meanwhile Savage backdrops Valentine over the ropes and two the floor, before going right back after Bad News, continuing their feud. Anderson goes after HBK and picks him up for a scoop slam, Shawn escapes the slam attempt and lands behind the horseman. Arn turns around, but right into the Sweet Chin Music!!!! This being 1989 though and Shawn not being a big star nobody even acknowledges the super kick. As Shawn mounts Anderson (not like that!) you can see Marty Jannetty looking on, obviously deciding to not bother assist his tag team partner, even after he is attacked by Savage. Yeah this rumble is so much better than last years as the heels and faces don’t have a stupid ‘oh the crowd hate you too? Let’s be friends!’ mentality. Butch is in the corner of the ring doing nothing as always….it’s getting beyond a joke now.
Savage and Anderson (a face and a heel!) work together and whip HBK into the ropes and hit him with a double elbow shot which sends the future two-time winner of this match over the top rope and to the floor! I don’t ever recall another case in this or any other rumble where both a heel and a face have worked together to eliminate someone. Yes sometimes lots of people decide to team up and eliminate the biggest guy in the match, but not just one guy like this. Marty Jannetty then attacks Arn Anderson, peeved that his tag partner is gone. Maybe, just maybe if Marty tried to you know, actually help Shawn while they were both in the ring instead of talking to Butch he may still be in the match?
Savage and Brown fight once more, which is great storytelling and makes their fight seem more important that the rest of the goings on. Arn climbs the turnbuckles….this can’t end well….Horsemen shouldn’t climb turnbuckles and indeed it is a very bad idea as Jannetty crotches him on the top and then almost throws him over. In at number 17 is Tully Blanchard, the 2nd Brain Busters. The Brain Busters become my favourite guys in the match by attacking “a Bushwacker” even the commentators don’t care enough about him to mention him by name.
The Brain Busters then take it in turns to attack Perfect, Tito and Jannetty while Savage and Brown slug it out once more. As the Brain Busters double team the Rocker, with Arn hitting a lovely looking spinebuster followed up by a Tully elbow drop, Randy manages to find time away from his busy ‘Attack Bad News Brown’ schedule to duke it out with Mr Perfect- what a fantastic singles match that would make! I am going to try and find out if they ever fought one-on-one after watching this.
After another elbow drop from Tully, one from Arn and one more from Tully again Marty is in serious trouble as both Brain Busters try and eliminate him. The Rocker tries to hang on using the ropes and even hangs on to the top rope with his toes after they kick his hands away but sadly it’s to no avail and he is out. That has to be elimination of the night though as it genuinely seemed like he was really trying to hang on rather than just jump over the ropes like everyone else.
Next entrant now- 3.….2.……1.……it’s Hogan!!!! The crowd all rise to their feet as the Hulkster runs to the ring and he goes right for Mr. Perfect, who is trying to eliminate Hogan’s team mate, Savage. Hogan tosses Henning, who after being in the ring for 25 minutes and 58 seconds had set the new longest time in rumble history, over the ropes. With Perfect gone that means Bushwacker Butch has now been in the ring the longest….. Hogan punches Arn to the mat, punches Tully down also and then grabs both brain busters and busts their brains together with a ‘double noggin-knocker!!’ what a move!
Bad News Brown is the Hulkster’s next target, maybe Hogan was trying to impress Elizabeth and steal her away from the Macho Man? Meanwhile Randy and Arn both eliminate Tito Santana, I think Anderson and Savage must have had some secret alliance or something going into this match as they are working better together than 90% of tag teams do in royal rumble history. Tully takes offence to Savage tying to steal his partner (tag partner..) away from him and goes right for the Macho Man, and promptly gets his assed kicking resulting in a Flair Flop to mat.
Bad News Brown is trying to eliminate Hogan and the crowd are going crazy! Blanchard helps Brown and now things look dire for the Immortal one. Savage sees his friend in trouble and runs to help him….oh wait, nope he helps Arn Anderson instead by hitting Butch. Seriously what’s going on with them two tonight? Monsoon berates Savage for not helping Jesse but Ventra replies with “hey, he is tied up with um…the Bushwacker….” in a very unconvincing way as if he, like everyone else, doesn’t buy that Butch will give him any trouble. Indeed Savage has Butch almost out until Bad News Brown accidentally saves him by attacking the WWF Champion. I know Brown hates Savage and all, but that’s the second time at least that Brown has stupidly saved somebody. Hogan meanwhile is still trying to fend off the Brain Busters.
Number 19 is… Bushwacker Luke- oh for fuck sake not two of them. That means we have both Bushwhackers, both Brain Busters, both Mega Powers and Bad News Brown, who doesn’t do friends, in the ring. Luke doesn’t even try and side with his partner at all, if he did he may have been able to save him from elimination, but it wasn’t too be as Brown chucks him out. Hogan tries to steal all of Bad News’s glory by pretending that he helped him in the elimination but nobody buys it. The Mega Powers try and throw Bad News out but Savage is attacked by Anderson!!! OMG SAVAGE AND ANDERSON EXPLODE!! Once again Savage and Brown try to settle their score by fighting in the ring and it’s damn good stuff actually. If they had a PPV equivalent of No Way Out back then Savage vs. Bad News for the WWF title would have made a terrific main event…well assuming that Hogan didn’t worm his way into the main event, which is like assuming Scott Steiner has never taken a steroid in his life.
Arn really has turned against Randy now and holds him in a full nelson while Brown takes pot shots at him and things don’t look good for the champ. The crowd are chanting for the Macho Man begging him to….okay I can’t continue that lie- they are actually chanting “Hulk, Hulk, Hulk” while Hogan heroically fights off Bushwacker Luke.
Number 20 is the Birdman, Koko B Ware. I like Koko a lot, despite the fact he has a stupidly offensive first name like many black stars in the WWF (Bobo Brazil anyone?). Koko was an athletic speedy wrestler who could have good pure wrestling matches, which of course made him perfect as a jobber in WWF world. I recently read that Koko’s pet macaw parrot Frankie died in a house fire while Koko was attending church- Jesus Chris that is sad. Still if Frankie had gone to church too he would still be alive- let that be a lesson for everybody out there.
B Ware- (get it “beware?!!!!” Haaa haa ha……) dropkicks Luke and then Anderson too and follows that up with a head but to the Bushwhacker, of course being black that head but hurts a lot more than usual. Koko slams Bad News Brown’s head into a turnbuckle about five times buy Bad News simply gives him a look as if to say “yo homie, what you doing? I’m black too! You must know our heads are the strongest substance known to man and that won’t work” Koko then decided to rake his eyes instead, clever storytelling right there.
Across the ring Anderson climbs the turnbuckles again (seriously?!) and once more it backfires as Hogan throws him off the turnbuckles and to the mat as Arn grumbles “damn, one of these days!” I don’t know who is more stupid, Hogan for not throwing him out of the ring or Arn for climbing the turnbuckles in the first place. No, definitely Anderson, he should have worked out years ago that he has no aerial offence, if he was in a Smackdown game his aerial assault would just consist of him climbing back down to the ring without harming anybody.
Koko and Luke then team up to try and get rid of Hogan- who are they kidding. Hulk laughs to himself at their ideas of grandeur and backdrops B Ware out of the match and Koko’s head hit’s the floor on the outside, I hope the floor was okay after that. Poor Koko didn’t even last two minutes. Bushwacker Luke, who also wants the stupidest wrestler award, hasn’t learnt nothing from Koko’s exit and insists on continuing to attack the Hulkster, which backfires and he is flung over the ropes. It’s now the Brain Busters vs. Hogan and Savage vs. Brown once more.
#21 is the Warlord, this will be fun. The Brain Busters whip Hogan into the ropes but Hulk bounces off of them with a double/pushing clothesline type move which eliminates them both! Regardless of what move Hogan actually used, it looked pretty damn good actually. What follows next is a real rumble classic moment. Warlord hops onto the apron, posses like a complete goon, steps through the ropes and is eliminated right away by a Hogan clothesline in what was the shortest time ever time in a Royal Rumble, a record that lasted for two decades.
It’s down to three people in the ring- Hogan, Savage and Brown though it may soon be two as Bad News is about to get rid of the Macho Man. Hogan comes to “help” Savage by eliminating both him and Bad News. Savage is pissed off and he has a point really. You could argue that it’s everyman for himself, but how would Hogan like it if he was in that position, hmmm we may find out someday. Randy is rabid and shouting right in Hulk’s face and Hogan backs away, making a “time-out” gesture with his hands, gosh what a role model he is. So yeah you could argue that Hogan was in his right to eliminate Savage due to the ‘everyman for himself’ tagline but what you can’t argue is that it was an accident, it wasn‘t. Monsoon, to his credit tries to do just that but the fact Hogan was celebrating doesn’t give his argument much wait. It looks like we may see a fight between the top two faces in the company but out comes the late Miss Elizabeth, looking very pretty, to calm the argument down.
Elizabeth: “What’s going on?”
Randy: “He eliminated me from the match…”
Hogan: “Hey brother I was trying to get Bad News back after what he did to the lovely Elizabeth. I didn‘t mean to throw you over too!”
Randy: “So why were you celebrating?…”
Hogan: “Um……Elizabeth you sure look pretty today.”
Elizabeth: “Aww, aren’t you a sweetie. Randy isn’t it everyman for himself?”
Randy: “Oh sure, take his side.”
Hogan: “Yeah, brother it’s everyman for himself. Liz is right, as always.”
Randy: “Stop hitting on my wife!!”
Hogan: “I’m not hitting on her, don’t be paranoid. Stop getting angry, you’re making this beautiful woman feel embarrassed.”
Randy: “You’re still hitting on her!”
Hogan: “Savage, what ‘cha gonna do when I run my 24 inch pythons all over her!”
Randy: “Ooooooh yeah? Whatever, she’s mine in real life.”
Hogan: “Yeah….yours and yours alone….”
Randy: “I knew it, you wife-stealing bastard!!
Eventually their argument comes to an end with the Mega Powers settling things with a handshake and a hug, but the seeds that all is not well between them have been well and truly sewn here. Monsoon is still trying to defend the Hulkster by saying “Hogan didn’t do anything deliberate- if the Macho Man held onto the ropes, he’d still be in there!” Which is akin to saying “Yes I did pull the trigger on the gun, your honour, but if the deceased had ducked then he would still be alive.” Ventura is pretty hilarious and rebuttals Gorilla’s claim that it was an accident by commenting “Hulk will stoop to an level to ensure that Hogan will come out on top.” He doesn’t say that it includes refusing to job to people, playing backstage politics and not letting anybody else get remotely over, but Jesse is very much correct with what he is saying. I am not sure “He’d even clothesline Elizabeth if it meant winning” but Ventura floored me with that line.
Hogan is the first person in Royal Rumble history to become the only person in the ring while the match is still going on and as is usually the way whenever that happens the next person out happens to be one of his rivals, in this instance The Big Boss Man. Boss Man walks to the ring to massive jeers and a stupid hair cut. Boss Man probably the most heat of anybody so far in the match and the crowd are really into this action, in fact the have been going crazy ever since Hogan entered the ring. Hulk connects with a pretty impressive slam on the Boss Man, who was pretty obese here. (Note to self: the words ‘pretty’ and ‘obese’ should not be said next to each other.) Hogan isn’t able to stay on the offence for long as he is hit with the trademark fat man move, an avalanche in the corner and Boss Man then follows that up with a great looking piledriver.
Jesse says he is loving seeing Boss Man beating up Hogan cleanly in a one-on-one match. Monsoon argues that Hogan has been out there for half an hour already and is tired but Ventura laughs this off with “oh come on, he’s barley been out there for five minutes.” Okay Hogan came in #18 and Boss Man is #22, which means assuming that everyone has been entering the ring at exactly 2 minute intervals (which of course are always actually a random time) means Hogan has only been in the ring for 8 minutes. So Ventura’s five minutes is a much, much better estimate. Plus I am sure Hogan couldn’t have had that much taken out of him by Koko B Ware or Bushwacker Luke and the two minute argument with Savage was hardly Total Non-stop Action. Having said that eight minutes is quite a long time for a Hogan match so maybe he is spent.
Number 23 is Big Boss Man’s tag partner Akeem the African Dream! Of course Akeem is not actually African at all and is in fact the One Man Gang, last years runner up. I have no idea why they turned him African and I don’t think the WWF know that either. An evil policeman (or whatever the hell he was meant to be) and a street thug like the Gang would have made much more sense. It also would have been much better when Boss Man then turned face as he could have become a good cop and taken down One Man Gang……although that would have been a horrible, horrible feud…couldn’t have been much worse than Boss Man vs. Nailz however….or Boss Man vs. Big Show…..or the Boss Man vs. Undertaker hell in a cell……oh and then there was his feud with Al Snow in the Kennel From Hell…..oh dear god he has been in some horrific angles. I also have no idea why Boss Man and Akeem are teaming up other than the ‘they are both fat’ reason.
Hogan is on the floor and Boss Man connects with ‘Typical Fat guy move #2’ the Big Splash, but Hogan moves out of the way. Hulk survived being squashed by Boss Man, but things don’t look good at all for him now as Akeem now enters the ring and the commentators speculate about the deal they made with Ted Dibiase. Monsoon reckons that “there is no way you could get these two drawing consecutive numbers” and he has a point, I mean imagine if Demolition drew consecutive numbers, or the Brain Busters did it? It simply wouldn’t happen at all. Speaking of tag partners getting numbers next to each other in 4 different royal rumbles both Matt and Jeff Hardy would have numbers either next to or within 1 of each other. But Boss Man being #22 and Akeem being #23 now that is fishy!!! Also this means that Ted Dibiase, if he did swap numbers with one of the Twin Towers had at worst number 22.…which isn’t a bad number at all so why was he so upset with it?…
Hogan fights off the fat men and slams Akeem and then backdrops Boss Man, the results of which almost reveal Boss’ horrible obese stomach. God bless his soul. Hogan tries to fight them both off but eventually despite the crowd cheering him on it’s too much for him to handle and he falls prey to ‘Typical Fat guy move #1’ the Avalanche, two in fact. The Twin Towers then easily toss Hogan over the top rope and eliminate him much to the shock of the crowd. It shocked me too the first time I saw this match, I first watched it years later without knowing the result and thought Hogan was going to win for sure.
The Twin Towers turn round to celebrate and Akeem does his strange trademark hand spasm dance move, but Hogan’s not done yet as he pulls Boss Man out under the ropes. Hogan’s going hardcore and he slams Boss Man’s head into the ring-bill and then smacks him with a bright orange plastic chair shot. Ventura blasts the Hulkster for his bad sportsmanship and it’s very hard to argue with The Body. Monsoon doesn’t even bother trying to defend Mr. Nanny and instead points out that the next entrant is on his way and it’s long-time Hogan ass kisser Brutus the Barber Beefcake, wearing the gayest pair of tights you will ever see.
Akeem has now left the ring and is giving Hogan the ass kicking he rightly deserves when Bruti, as Gorilla likes to call him, comes to his rescue. Akeem enters the ring and so does the gay hairdresser but Boss Man is there too and it’s a two-on-one assault now. Hogan tries to climb back into the ring, but the referees aren’t letting him. Akeem has Brutus in a full nelson which allows Boss Man to run into the ropes and hit a clothesline… now usually 99% of the time somebody tries this in a Royal Rumble it backfires and ends in somebody flying over the ropes, but both Boss Man and Akeem get lucky and the move pays off. Boss Man tempts fate again by running back into the ropes, but lo-and-behold Hogan pulls down the top rope and Boss Man flies out of the ring. Seriously how the hell is Hogan a role model?!
Now here comes one of the oldest Royal Rumble dilemmas- since Hogan led to Boss Man’s exit should Boss Man still be legal in the match? 1989 Rumble rules apparently dictate that Boss Man is in fact out, but that rule will get changed time and time again in future rumbles. Also Andre the Giant wasn’t actually thrown over the top rope either, he eliminated himself. Savage jumped over the top rope by himself in 92 and was allowed back in, however that was probably just due to the Macho Man screwing up and the commentators trying to think of a way to justify it. However Boss Man is gone and Ventura is outraged “That’s illegal- Hogan was eliminated!” Monsoon’s comeback?- “Yes he was- so what!” Wow, good defence there Gorilla. You would have though after this hellish display by the Hulkster that the fans would have cheered on Savage over him, I would certainly have anyway.
Boss Man and Hogan fight back up the ramp and the Hulkster the Twin Tower with a steel briefcase and Ventura explains to everyone what Hulkamania is all about “You go in there and start cheating, refusing to leave and then causing someone else to get eliminated.” Monsoon says that after everything the Twin Towers and Slick did to him, Hogan deserved a little payback and Ventura plays the old ‘It doesn’t matter, that was in the past’ Lion King’s Rafiki card.
With Hogan and Boss Man gone the match now effectively dies as the two men in the ring aren’t nearly as over and #24 isn’t going to change things as it’s the Red Rooster. So we have a chicken, a white American man pretending to be African and a gay hairdresser, god this is Wrestlecrap all over. It has to be said that the most popular wrestlers at the time- Hogan, Savage, Andre, the Hart Foundation, Jake the Snake and dare I say it- Hacksaw Jim Duggan all got over without the need of a stupid gimmick. Yes, Jake had a snake and Hacksaw had a 2x4 but at least they were believable. Okay Ted Dibiase had a rich gimmick and Boss Man had the whole whatever the hell he was meant to be, but they were good ideas. How the hell did they expect a Chicken or Fat Fake African man to get over - and why the hell would a barber want to fight anyway?
Akeem is all over Brutus until Terry Taylor comes to his aid, which works about as well as you can imagine i.e. not at all. Akeem slams down the Rooster and then does his hand spasm dance move again- I might try that next time I’m in a club. The Beefcake stages a comeback and the two faces both double team Akeem and tie him up in the ropes. Monsoon jokes that Akeem isn’t doing well without his partner in there and Ventura snipes “because of Hogan’s cheating…” and Gorilla’s reply is “…you got that right.” Even Monsoon has given up trying to defend the Hulkster now.
#25 is out and it’s the Barbarian with Mr. Fuji, btw Fuji looked ridiculous with Power of Pain style face paint on. The Barbarian lifts up one of Akeem’s legs and pretends that he is going to help them before hitting Rooster and Brutus, which was pretty hilarious. If I has in his shoes and I had a chance to punch Beefcake too I would have done the same. The Barbarian then tries to eliminate Akeem all by himself, which although stupid is a great heel thing to do- as he would believe that he wouldn’t need anybody elses help to do it.
Nothing much happens in the ring in the meantime and it now occurs to me that if Akeem was still The One Man Gang the commentators could have commented that after he was the runner-up last year he was now going to try and go one better and win the whole thing, which would have made the last quarter of this match at least a bit more entertaining. The Barbarian and Beefcake are fighting it out in the turnbuckle which leaves poor Terry Taylor at the mercy of Akeem and the big men connects with the ‘Typical Fat Guy Move #2’ and completely squashed him- and yes!! More crazy dancing from the African!! Sure the crowd boo him, but when Rikishi does it?! Maybe in 1989 just wasn’t ready for dancing fat men just yet?
#26 is Big John Studd. Monsoon calls him one of the odds-on-favourites to win it all. Behind Hogan and Savage obviously…and Andre…and Jake and etc… Looking at the box of my video case it says “The Royal Rumble- featuring Savage, Hogan and Andre the Giant” with photos of them- just below that it has photos of Jake, Boss Man, Dibiase, Bad News and Brutus Beefcake (wtf is he doing there?) So the fact there is now picture of Big John suggests to me that he wasn’t that much of a pre-match favourite. It does say his name on the back of the video box, but then that is right before Ron Bass and he sucked.
Anyway with most of the big names now sadly out that means John has a shot of winning and the first thing he does when gets in the ring is to throw Rooster out of the way and to beat up Akeem all by himself. Brutus tries to help Studd but John just tosses him aside too.
#28 is Hercules, without his chain sadly. Rooster again tries to help John and again gets shoved away. Hercules then attacks Big John, but Studd is a no-selling machine tonight and pushes him to the mat while Bruti and Taylor crotch the Barbarian on the top rope, but he ends up falling into the ring, not out of it.
The second to last man to enter is a pre-model Rick Martel at last adding some talent to the ring. He may be a model, but he isn’t too bright as he goes after Akeem and John….ugh I am getting bored of talking about Studd pushing/tossing/throwing/shoving men to the floor and running out of verbs so I am going to ignore him now. Rooster gets dropkicked to the floor by Martel, which is the first entertaining thing to happen since Boss Man and Hogan left, well aside from Akeem’s dancing anyway. Hercules, who I think is a face here, is teaming up with the Barber to try and toss the Barbarian out and the Power of Pain member is almost upside-down on the turnbuckles.
Ventura works out that since Martel is number 29 then we know who number 30 is. “That’s right, the man with the big bucks!” Jesse Ventura asks Monsoon if he doesn’t buy that Ted could have drawn number 30 and indeed Gorilla doesn’t buy it all “Did you see how upset he was when he drew his number?” Ventura’s reply to that is a classic line- “Well maybe he was upset because he wanted #1 and that he wanted to prove himself?” It’s a hilarious comment but also given the late draws that Boss Man and Akeem got it’s the most rational explanation too. But don’t worry Teddy, you’ll get your chance at being one of the first entrants someday….
The claxon goes off for the last time and Ted walks down to the ring with Virgil, who unlike the managers is not going to the back. Dibiase goes right after…the Red Rooster, which fits his heel persona perfectly as he would want to go for the jobber first. Hercules is the Million $ Man’s next target, a man who used to be his slave, so that is also good storytelling. Monsoon then catches sight of Virgil and asks what he is doing still out here, but Ventura says that since he is a bodyguard and not a manager maybe he is allowed to stay. Monsoon simply replies with “He‘s a stooge that‘s what he is.”
So we are down to the final eight now then- Ted Dibiase, Akeem, Big John Studd, Rick Martel, Hercules, Brutus the Barber Beefcake, The Barbarian and the Red Rooster and as soon as I type that Ted whips Terry Taylor into the ropes and the Rooster does the Flair move where the momentum takes him up and over the ropes to the floor. Elsewhere Hercules has the Barber locked in a bear hug, but Brutus escapes this by using his free hands to hit the strongman in the head, why other people don’t do that I don’t know. Beefcake then jumps on Hercules back and locks in a sleeper hold. Dibiase and the Barbarian then grab hold of Hercules and throw him and Beefcake out at the same time. Dibiase’s taunting of the eliminated men by making money gestures is funny.
The Barbarian hits Martel with a running power slam and then a diving head butt of the turnbuckles. The commentators say that Martel is now as good as done as The Power of Pain member stands Rick up in the ring and tries a clothesline but the member of Strike Force ducks and the Barbarian flies into the ropes. Martel then connects with a dropkick, which looks more like a dropknee actually, which teeters the Barbarian on the ropes and Rick then eliminates him leaving us with our final four.
Its not four for long however as Martel then charges at Akeem and aims to connect with a cross body but he is caught by the big man and dumped out of the ring. So it’s come down to Akeem, John and Dibiase. Akeem beats on Studd while the Million $ Man tells him what to do. Dibiase directs Akeem to nail John with an avalanche and the Dancing African does just that. Ted gets right in John’s face and starts trash talking him and tells Akeem to hit a second avalanche. Akeem steamrolls towards John, but Studd is able to pull Dibiase in the way. Ted falls to the mat and Akeem tends to him, but John hits him from behind and the big man falls out of the ring after being in their for over eighteen minutes, not bad going for a man of his size.
So it’s down to two people and Ted decides to try and pay-off Studd, but Big John isn’t having any of it. I would have taken the money and run happily. This was before the winner of the Rumbles would get a shot at the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania, so they are just fighting for pride really. I guess my pride has a price, unlike John’s. Though I guess winning this match is the main reason he is even remembered by most fans today. Ted tries to climb the turnbuckles, but Studd goozles him and slams him back into them. Studd then beats on Dibiase with slams, right hands and an impressive double-hook-under-am suplex plus a horrid looking gut wrench suplex and appears to be having fun.
Ventura says he should never underestimate Dibiase though despite how bad things look for him. 0.1 seconds later and Ted is gone and we have out winner. The crowd cheer Studd, but Virgil isn’t too impressed and hits John from behind. Studd no-sells them, he’s not selling anything. Studd then tosses Virgil over the ropes too and celebrates in the ring. We then head to the back for an interview with Randy Savage where he says he was eliminated, not because he wasn’t the better man, but because he was a ‘victim of circumstances’ that’s an awesome way to put it. Savage then says that the whole situation with Hogan was just a “miss-understanding” but Mean Gene argues with that and is generally being an arse and trying to stir things up between the Mega Powers. Monsoon thinks things are all rosy, but Ventura isn’t buying at all…
Well that’s the 1989 Royal Rumble and it was pretty good on the whole. It certainly started off very well with Andre the Giant dominating things, throwing out three people before eliminating himself due to his fear of snakes. Then we had the Savage vs. Brown feud being played out in this match before Hogan eliminated them both setting off a chain of events that would result in Savage turning heel on him. I believe Savage is the only person to turn alignment while holding the WWE world title, strange how that’s never happened since. Then you had Hogan battling the Twin Towers, but once Hulk and Boss Man left nothing happened.
The match should get more dramatic as we get closer and closer to the climax, but this one teeters out and becomes very dull. The intrigue with Dibiase was fun, even if it didn’t make a great deal of sense (what’s so bad about #21?), but you just didn’t get the feeling that Big John Studd was the deserving winner. Maybe that was due to him no-selling everything all night as you never got the feeling that he was in trouble, so there was no heroic comeback story on anything. It felt like Superman showing up at the end and blowing people over the ropes with his super breath- fun at time perhaps, but ultimately shallow and forgettable. Maybe they could have fed a few more people to Andre, such as Red Rooster, so we didn’t end up with so many no-hopers left at the end, but what’s done is done. A good rumble, but it could have been so much more.
Overall- 7/10
Okay 12 months later and here we are again with another Royal Rumble. 20 people have gone up to 30 people and they have learnt their lesson this time and put the match on last and have included all of their big stars including WWF Champion Randy Savage in addition to Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, Jake the Snake, Ted Dibiase and Bad News Brown, who along with the Twin Towers of Big Boss Man and Akeem, have been feuding with the Mega Powers leading into this PPV.
Last years winner Hacksaw Jim Duggan is not in this match and neither is the man who spent the longest time in last years rumble Bret Hart as they are both teaming up with Jim Anvil in a 6 man tag match. How stupid. Also unlike last years Rumble this match has a story going into it- earlier on the show the Million Dollar Man drew his number and looked horrified by it and was seen in the back talking to the manager of the Twin Towers, Slick. What could that all be about? Let’s wait and see..
Fink runs down the rules and in comes Demolition Ax who saunters down the ramp to his awesome music. It’s now time for #2 and lo and behold it’s the other tag team champion Smash! Demolition EXPLODES as Ax axes Smash and Smash smashes Ax in the ring. No Crushing going on yet. You could ask why these two didn’t just wait for number 3, but I like it as it adds to the ‘Everyman for themselves’ tagline they always use for rumbles.
Monsoon, who is thankfully replacing Vince this year, and Ventura discuss whether the Dibiase has been spreading his money around to try and get a good number and say that they don’t like Number 3’s chances as these two are sure to team up when #3 gets here and eliminate him. Good point as number 3 stands no chance, right?……
Only problem is #3 happens to be Andre, the freaking, Giant!! There is a huge “Oh my god!!! Reaction from the crowd as Andre is walked to the ring by Bobby the Brain Heenan and Gorilla says that once he has done that Bobby has to walk back up the aisle as managers are apparently not allowed at ringside, a rule that comes and goes in rumbles down the years. The big man gets in the ring and indeed Demolition are teaming up on him and connect with a big clothesline that stumbles the Giant and knocks him off his feet, to massive cheers. Gorilla says that Andre has won more battle royals than anybody else in WWE history and Jesse agrees saying “yeah, I think he up on me by one or two” haha.
The Giant is bravely fighting off both members of Demolition when the buzzer goes off again. The loudest jeers of the match thus far signal the arrival of Mr Perfect, who smartly takes his time to get to the ring…before going after the biggest threat in the ring…Oh no, he goes for Ax… so much for his intelligence. Andre grabs Smash by the head and chucks him over the ropes and now Perfect is like “ah….maybe we should double team Andre?” yes, yes you should. They both get Andre to the floor and then Ax turns on Perfect and whips him into the turnbuckles, making it everyman for himself again. Andre uses this distraction to recover and lock in a big shoulder claw time move on Ax. Henning comes to help but Andre connects with a massive head but which Perfect sells in his usual over-the-top awesome way.
In at #5 is Rugged Ronnie Garvin….yeah, I have no idea either. He teams up with the regular sized men and traps Andre in the ropes. Andre fights them all off and the commentators hype this match and say how dangerous it is. Funny how in a world that now has Hell in a Cell’s and Elimination Chambers to think that a Royal Rumble was once talked about as a dangerous match. They had cage matches back then though, odd… Andre gives Ax what looks like an early version of the Stink Face and the countdown starts up again.
#6 Greg the Hammer Valentine w/ Jimmy Hart. Jesse states that it will be interesting to see if Greg sides with Andre or tries to eliminate him and he isn’t left wondering for long as the Hammer hammers Andre with an elbow leading to a 4-on-1 assault. The Giant fights them all off, no sells some shots from Garvin, well it is Ronnie Garvin, and easily eliminates him. Now this is the good storytelling that last years rumble lacked.
#7 The roof almost explodes as Jake the Snake runs out. He goes right after Andre, they were feuding around this time- Jake had almost given Andre a heart attack by scaring him with Damien. Roberts doesn’t fare too well and Andre kicks the crap out of him, while the other 3 fight each other. Andre even shoves Ax away as if to say “stay out of this!”
#8 Is The Outlaw Rob Bass with a lot less hair than last year due to Brutus, The Barber, Beefcake. After being destroyed for two minutes Jake is history, Andre literally pushes him over the top rope. It’s a real ‘wtf?’ moment as Roberts was one of the big names in this match and is out already without doing anything. Hammer and Perfect attack Andrew while Ax and Bass slug it out in the opposite corner.
#9 is Shawn Michaels!! HBK is back in his Rockers days here so he is pretty much a jobber and is only in this match to make up the numbers really. Lovely purple tights though… Mr. Perfect then manages to throw Ax over the top rope and then tries the same trick to Michaels, but Shawn skins the cat and comes right back in after Curt. Shawn dropkicks Henning, who flies over the ropes, but is able to hang on in what is a great little exchange. I would to have loved to have seen these two wrestle much more times than they actually did. Oh well.
We are a third of the royal through the match as the countdown for the #10 entrant goes off and it’s…Bushwacker Butch, ugh- I hate Bushwhackers. The crowd are going mental!!! However it’s not for Butch, they have more taste than that, it’s Jake the Snake running back down the aisle! With Damien too!! Jake throws the huge python in the ring, which scares Andre, causing him to eliminate himself. Fantastic spot! Andre stays strong as nobody was able to eliminate him bar himself and Jake gets some heat back after being tossed out very easily. It also continues their feud going into Wrestlemania V so it’s great all round really. Meanwhile everyone in the ring hides in a ring corner afraid of Damien, which is a great touch. I really wished they did something like that with Bogeyman entering a rumble and scaring everyone.
Jesse screams that Andre was unfairly eliminated and that it opens the field for someone else to win it now that the Giant is gone. #11 now and here comes the Honky Tonk man… The match is now getting back to everyman for himself and Honky has tons of heat as proved by how excited they get every time someone has him teetering over the ropes. Jim Hart’s stooges Valentine and Honky try to eliminate HBK. Perfect then tries to get the ‘Greatest Intercontential Champion of all tme’ out and the crowd goes bananas.
#12 is Tito Santana who goes right for Henning, who with Andre out has been in this match longer than anybody as he was the fourth entrant. It’s now Butch’s turn to try and give the fans what they want and get Honky out of the ring, but that doesn’t work and he ends up biting him instead.
Unlucky #13 is Bad News Brown and Ventura jokes that this is a normal Saturday night for him. Tito and Santana throw out Honky to massive cheers. Tito then goes to work on Valentine while Butch walks around the ring like the idiot he is. HBK goes to the top rope and hit’s a double axe handle on Brown and Bass. He then falls prey to an atomic drop (why don’t we see that move these days?) and the momentum of which almost sends him flying out of the ring.
#14 is the second Rocker Marty Jannetty. Bass hammers him as soon as he enters but Marty is then saved by his great friend Shawn Michaels. They give him a double clothesline and follow this up with a double dropkick to eliminate The Outlaw. That was cool, good to see tag teams helping one another out in a match like this, it makes sense. Also cool to see Bass go. Bad News Brown is now being beat up by Butch, how embarrassing. Tito then hits Valentine with his trademark flying elbow and then tries to throw him over the ropes, smart move. Always found it stupid how sometimes people hit finishers in rumbles and then just leave the guys laying on the mat.
#15- The Champ is here!!! Randy Savage sprints to the ring and goes right after Bad News, who slapped Elizabeth a few weeks back. He doesn’t even take his glasses off! Randy’s serious! Huge reaction for the Macho Man has he pounds away at Brown, but Valentine stops this by clobbering him from behind. (That’s another thing we don’t get these days, commentators saying the word ‘clubber’, maybe it was just a Monsoon thing?) Meanwhile Butch is still doing nothing…. Mr Perfect has been in there quite a while now and is still looking good.
Over half way through now and Arn Anderson, one half of the Brain Busters, jogs to the ring. Meanwhile Savage backdrops Valentine over the ropes and two the floor, before going right back after Bad News, continuing their feud. Anderson goes after HBK and picks him up for a scoop slam, Shawn escapes the slam attempt and lands behind the horseman. Arn turns around, but right into the Sweet Chin Music!!!! This being 1989 though and Shawn not being a big star nobody even acknowledges the super kick. As Shawn mounts Anderson (not like that!) you can see Marty Jannetty looking on, obviously deciding to not bother assist his tag team partner, even after he is attacked by Savage. Yeah this rumble is so much better than last years as the heels and faces don’t have a stupid ‘oh the crowd hate you too? Let’s be friends!’ mentality. Butch is in the corner of the ring doing nothing as always….it’s getting beyond a joke now.
Savage and Anderson (a face and a heel!) work together and whip HBK into the ropes and hit him with a double elbow shot which sends the future two-time winner of this match over the top rope and to the floor! I don’t ever recall another case in this or any other rumble where both a heel and a face have worked together to eliminate someone. Yes sometimes lots of people decide to team up and eliminate the biggest guy in the match, but not just one guy like this. Marty Jannetty then attacks Arn Anderson, peeved that his tag partner is gone. Maybe, just maybe if Marty tried to you know, actually help Shawn while they were both in the ring instead of talking to Butch he may still be in the match?
Savage and Brown fight once more, which is great storytelling and makes their fight seem more important that the rest of the goings on. Arn climbs the turnbuckles….this can’t end well….Horsemen shouldn’t climb turnbuckles and indeed it is a very bad idea as Jannetty crotches him on the top and then almost throws him over. In at number 17 is Tully Blanchard, the 2nd Brain Busters. The Brain Busters become my favourite guys in the match by attacking “a Bushwacker” even the commentators don’t care enough about him to mention him by name.
The Brain Busters then take it in turns to attack Perfect, Tito and Jannetty while Savage and Brown slug it out once more. As the Brain Busters double team the Rocker, with Arn hitting a lovely looking spinebuster followed up by a Tully elbow drop, Randy manages to find time away from his busy ‘Attack Bad News Brown’ schedule to duke it out with Mr Perfect- what a fantastic singles match that would make! I am going to try and find out if they ever fought one-on-one after watching this.
After another elbow drop from Tully, one from Arn and one more from Tully again Marty is in serious trouble as both Brain Busters try and eliminate him. The Rocker tries to hang on using the ropes and even hangs on to the top rope with his toes after they kick his hands away but sadly it’s to no avail and he is out. That has to be elimination of the night though as it genuinely seemed like he was really trying to hang on rather than just jump over the ropes like everyone else.
Next entrant now- 3.….2.……1.……it’s Hogan!!!! The crowd all rise to their feet as the Hulkster runs to the ring and he goes right for Mr. Perfect, who is trying to eliminate Hogan’s team mate, Savage. Hogan tosses Henning, who after being in the ring for 25 minutes and 58 seconds had set the new longest time in rumble history, over the ropes. With Perfect gone that means Bushwacker Butch has now been in the ring the longest….. Hogan punches Arn to the mat, punches Tully down also and then grabs both brain busters and busts their brains together with a ‘double noggin-knocker!!’ what a move!
Bad News Brown is the Hulkster’s next target, maybe Hogan was trying to impress Elizabeth and steal her away from the Macho Man? Meanwhile Randy and Arn both eliminate Tito Santana, I think Anderson and Savage must have had some secret alliance or something going into this match as they are working better together than 90% of tag teams do in royal rumble history. Tully takes offence to Savage tying to steal his partner (tag partner..) away from him and goes right for the Macho Man, and promptly gets his assed kicking resulting in a Flair Flop to mat.
Bad News Brown is trying to eliminate Hogan and the crowd are going crazy! Blanchard helps Brown and now things look dire for the Immortal one. Savage sees his friend in trouble and runs to help him….oh wait, nope he helps Arn Anderson instead by hitting Butch. Seriously what’s going on with them two tonight? Monsoon berates Savage for not helping Jesse but Ventra replies with “hey, he is tied up with um…the Bushwacker….” in a very unconvincing way as if he, like everyone else, doesn’t buy that Butch will give him any trouble. Indeed Savage has Butch almost out until Bad News Brown accidentally saves him by attacking the WWF Champion. I know Brown hates Savage and all, but that’s the second time at least that Brown has stupidly saved somebody. Hogan meanwhile is still trying to fend off the Brain Busters.
Number 19 is… Bushwacker Luke- oh for fuck sake not two of them. That means we have both Bushwhackers, both Brain Busters, both Mega Powers and Bad News Brown, who doesn’t do friends, in the ring. Luke doesn’t even try and side with his partner at all, if he did he may have been able to save him from elimination, but it wasn’t too be as Brown chucks him out. Hogan tries to steal all of Bad News’s glory by pretending that he helped him in the elimination but nobody buys it. The Mega Powers try and throw Bad News out but Savage is attacked by Anderson!!! OMG SAVAGE AND ANDERSON EXPLODE!! Once again Savage and Brown try to settle their score by fighting in the ring and it’s damn good stuff actually. If they had a PPV equivalent of No Way Out back then Savage vs. Bad News for the WWF title would have made a terrific main event…well assuming that Hogan didn’t worm his way into the main event, which is like assuming Scott Steiner has never taken a steroid in his life.
Arn really has turned against Randy now and holds him in a full nelson while Brown takes pot shots at him and things don’t look good for the champ. The crowd are chanting for the Macho Man begging him to….okay I can’t continue that lie- they are actually chanting “Hulk, Hulk, Hulk” while Hogan heroically fights off Bushwacker Luke.
Number 20 is the Birdman, Koko B Ware. I like Koko a lot, despite the fact he has a stupidly offensive first name like many black stars in the WWF (Bobo Brazil anyone?). Koko was an athletic speedy wrestler who could have good pure wrestling matches, which of course made him perfect as a jobber in WWF world. I recently read that Koko’s pet macaw parrot Frankie died in a house fire while Koko was attending church- Jesus Chris that is sad. Still if Frankie had gone to church too he would still be alive- let that be a lesson for everybody out there.
B Ware- (get it “beware?!!!!” Haaa haa ha……) dropkicks Luke and then Anderson too and follows that up with a head but to the Bushwhacker, of course being black that head but hurts a lot more than usual. Koko slams Bad News Brown’s head into a turnbuckle about five times buy Bad News simply gives him a look as if to say “yo homie, what you doing? I’m black too! You must know our heads are the strongest substance known to man and that won’t work” Koko then decided to rake his eyes instead, clever storytelling right there.
Across the ring Anderson climbs the turnbuckles again (seriously?!) and once more it backfires as Hogan throws him off the turnbuckles and to the mat as Arn grumbles “damn, one of these days!” I don’t know who is more stupid, Hogan for not throwing him out of the ring or Arn for climbing the turnbuckles in the first place. No, definitely Anderson, he should have worked out years ago that he has no aerial offence, if he was in a Smackdown game his aerial assault would just consist of him climbing back down to the ring without harming anybody.
Koko and Luke then team up to try and get rid of Hogan- who are they kidding. Hulk laughs to himself at their ideas of grandeur and backdrops B Ware out of the match and Koko’s head hit’s the floor on the outside, I hope the floor was okay after that. Poor Koko didn’t even last two minutes. Bushwacker Luke, who also wants the stupidest wrestler award, hasn’t learnt nothing from Koko’s exit and insists on continuing to attack the Hulkster, which backfires and he is flung over the ropes. It’s now the Brain Busters vs. Hogan and Savage vs. Brown once more.
#21 is the Warlord, this will be fun. The Brain Busters whip Hogan into the ropes but Hulk bounces off of them with a double/pushing clothesline type move which eliminates them both! Regardless of what move Hogan actually used, it looked pretty damn good actually. What follows next is a real rumble classic moment. Warlord hops onto the apron, posses like a complete goon, steps through the ropes and is eliminated right away by a Hogan clothesline in what was the shortest time ever time in a Royal Rumble, a record that lasted for two decades.
It’s down to three people in the ring- Hogan, Savage and Brown though it may soon be two as Bad News is about to get rid of the Macho Man. Hogan comes to “help” Savage by eliminating both him and Bad News. Savage is pissed off and he has a point really. You could argue that it’s everyman for himself, but how would Hogan like it if he was in that position, hmmm we may find out someday. Randy is rabid and shouting right in Hulk’s face and Hogan backs away, making a “time-out” gesture with his hands, gosh what a role model he is. So yeah you could argue that Hogan was in his right to eliminate Savage due to the ‘everyman for himself’ tagline but what you can’t argue is that it was an accident, it wasn‘t. Monsoon, to his credit tries to do just that but the fact Hogan was celebrating doesn’t give his argument much wait. It looks like we may see a fight between the top two faces in the company but out comes the late Miss Elizabeth, looking very pretty, to calm the argument down.
Elizabeth: “What’s going on?”
Randy: “He eliminated me from the match…”
Hogan: “Hey brother I was trying to get Bad News back after what he did to the lovely Elizabeth. I didn‘t mean to throw you over too!”
Randy: “So why were you celebrating?…”
Hogan: “Um……Elizabeth you sure look pretty today.”
Elizabeth: “Aww, aren’t you a sweetie. Randy isn’t it everyman for himself?”
Randy: “Oh sure, take his side.”
Hogan: “Yeah, brother it’s everyman for himself. Liz is right, as always.”
Randy: “Stop hitting on my wife!!”
Hogan: “I’m not hitting on her, don’t be paranoid. Stop getting angry, you’re making this beautiful woman feel embarrassed.”
Randy: “You’re still hitting on her!”
Hogan: “Savage, what ‘cha gonna do when I run my 24 inch pythons all over her!”
Randy: “Ooooooh yeah? Whatever, she’s mine in real life.”
Hogan: “Yeah….yours and yours alone….”
Randy: “I knew it, you wife-stealing bastard!!
Eventually their argument comes to an end with the Mega Powers settling things with a handshake and a hug, but the seeds that all is not well between them have been well and truly sewn here. Monsoon is still trying to defend the Hulkster by saying “Hogan didn’t do anything deliberate- if the Macho Man held onto the ropes, he’d still be in there!” Which is akin to saying “Yes I did pull the trigger on the gun, your honour, but if the deceased had ducked then he would still be alive.” Ventura is pretty hilarious and rebuttals Gorilla’s claim that it was an accident by commenting “Hulk will stoop to an level to ensure that Hogan will come out on top.” He doesn’t say that it includes refusing to job to people, playing backstage politics and not letting anybody else get remotely over, but Jesse is very much correct with what he is saying. I am not sure “He’d even clothesline Elizabeth if it meant winning” but Ventura floored me with that line.
Hogan is the first person in Royal Rumble history to become the only person in the ring while the match is still going on and as is usually the way whenever that happens the next person out happens to be one of his rivals, in this instance The Big Boss Man. Boss Man walks to the ring to massive jeers and a stupid hair cut. Boss Man probably the most heat of anybody so far in the match and the crowd are really into this action, in fact the have been going crazy ever since Hogan entered the ring. Hulk connects with a pretty impressive slam on the Boss Man, who was pretty obese here. (Note to self: the words ‘pretty’ and ‘obese’ should not be said next to each other.) Hogan isn’t able to stay on the offence for long as he is hit with the trademark fat man move, an avalanche in the corner and Boss Man then follows that up with a great looking piledriver.
Jesse says he is loving seeing Boss Man beating up Hogan cleanly in a one-on-one match. Monsoon argues that Hogan has been out there for half an hour already and is tired but Ventura laughs this off with “oh come on, he’s barley been out there for five minutes.” Okay Hogan came in #18 and Boss Man is #22, which means assuming that everyone has been entering the ring at exactly 2 minute intervals (which of course are always actually a random time) means Hogan has only been in the ring for 8 minutes. So Ventura’s five minutes is a much, much better estimate. Plus I am sure Hogan couldn’t have had that much taken out of him by Koko B Ware or Bushwacker Luke and the two minute argument with Savage was hardly Total Non-stop Action. Having said that eight minutes is quite a long time for a Hogan match so maybe he is spent.
Number 23 is Big Boss Man’s tag partner Akeem the African Dream! Of course Akeem is not actually African at all and is in fact the One Man Gang, last years runner up. I have no idea why they turned him African and I don’t think the WWF know that either. An evil policeman (or whatever the hell he was meant to be) and a street thug like the Gang would have made much more sense. It also would have been much better when Boss Man then turned face as he could have become a good cop and taken down One Man Gang……although that would have been a horrible, horrible feud…couldn’t have been much worse than Boss Man vs. Nailz however….or Boss Man vs. Big Show…..or the Boss Man vs. Undertaker hell in a cell……oh and then there was his feud with Al Snow in the Kennel From Hell…..oh dear god he has been in some horrific angles. I also have no idea why Boss Man and Akeem are teaming up other than the ‘they are both fat’ reason.
Hogan is on the floor and Boss Man connects with ‘Typical Fat guy move #2’ the Big Splash, but Hogan moves out of the way. Hulk survived being squashed by Boss Man, but things don’t look good at all for him now as Akeem now enters the ring and the commentators speculate about the deal they made with Ted Dibiase. Monsoon reckons that “there is no way you could get these two drawing consecutive numbers” and he has a point, I mean imagine if Demolition drew consecutive numbers, or the Brain Busters did it? It simply wouldn’t happen at all. Speaking of tag partners getting numbers next to each other in 4 different royal rumbles both Matt and Jeff Hardy would have numbers either next to or within 1 of each other. But Boss Man being #22 and Akeem being #23 now that is fishy!!! Also this means that Ted Dibiase, if he did swap numbers with one of the Twin Towers had at worst number 22.…which isn’t a bad number at all so why was he so upset with it?…
Hogan fights off the fat men and slams Akeem and then backdrops Boss Man, the results of which almost reveal Boss’ horrible obese stomach. God bless his soul. Hogan tries to fight them both off but eventually despite the crowd cheering him on it’s too much for him to handle and he falls prey to ‘Typical Fat guy move #1’ the Avalanche, two in fact. The Twin Towers then easily toss Hogan over the top rope and eliminate him much to the shock of the crowd. It shocked me too the first time I saw this match, I first watched it years later without knowing the result and thought Hogan was going to win for sure.
The Twin Towers turn round to celebrate and Akeem does his strange trademark hand spasm dance move, but Hogan’s not done yet as he pulls Boss Man out under the ropes. Hogan’s going hardcore and he slams Boss Man’s head into the ring-bill and then smacks him with a bright orange plastic chair shot. Ventura blasts the Hulkster for his bad sportsmanship and it’s very hard to argue with The Body. Monsoon doesn’t even bother trying to defend Mr. Nanny and instead points out that the next entrant is on his way and it’s long-time Hogan ass kisser Brutus the Barber Beefcake, wearing the gayest pair of tights you will ever see.
Akeem has now left the ring and is giving Hogan the ass kicking he rightly deserves when Bruti, as Gorilla likes to call him, comes to his rescue. Akeem enters the ring and so does the gay hairdresser but Boss Man is there too and it’s a two-on-one assault now. Hogan tries to climb back into the ring, but the referees aren’t letting him. Akeem has Brutus in a full nelson which allows Boss Man to run into the ropes and hit a clothesline… now usually 99% of the time somebody tries this in a Royal Rumble it backfires and ends in somebody flying over the ropes, but both Boss Man and Akeem get lucky and the move pays off. Boss Man tempts fate again by running back into the ropes, but lo-and-behold Hogan pulls down the top rope and Boss Man flies out of the ring. Seriously how the hell is Hogan a role model?!
Now here comes one of the oldest Royal Rumble dilemmas- since Hogan led to Boss Man’s exit should Boss Man still be legal in the match? 1989 Rumble rules apparently dictate that Boss Man is in fact out, but that rule will get changed time and time again in future rumbles. Also Andre the Giant wasn’t actually thrown over the top rope either, he eliminated himself. Savage jumped over the top rope by himself in 92 and was allowed back in, however that was probably just due to the Macho Man screwing up and the commentators trying to think of a way to justify it. However Boss Man is gone and Ventura is outraged “That’s illegal- Hogan was eliminated!” Monsoon’s comeback?- “Yes he was- so what!” Wow, good defence there Gorilla. You would have though after this hellish display by the Hulkster that the fans would have cheered on Savage over him, I would certainly have anyway.
Boss Man and Hogan fight back up the ramp and the Hulkster the Twin Tower with a steel briefcase and Ventura explains to everyone what Hulkamania is all about “You go in there and start cheating, refusing to leave and then causing someone else to get eliminated.” Monsoon says that after everything the Twin Towers and Slick did to him, Hogan deserved a little payback and Ventura plays the old ‘It doesn’t matter, that was in the past’ Lion King’s Rafiki card.
With Hogan and Boss Man gone the match now effectively dies as the two men in the ring aren’t nearly as over and #24 isn’t going to change things as it’s the Red Rooster. So we have a chicken, a white American man pretending to be African and a gay hairdresser, god this is Wrestlecrap all over. It has to be said that the most popular wrestlers at the time- Hogan, Savage, Andre, the Hart Foundation, Jake the Snake and dare I say it- Hacksaw Jim Duggan all got over without the need of a stupid gimmick. Yes, Jake had a snake and Hacksaw had a 2x4 but at least they were believable. Okay Ted Dibiase had a rich gimmick and Boss Man had the whole whatever the hell he was meant to be, but they were good ideas. How the hell did they expect a Chicken or Fat Fake African man to get over - and why the hell would a barber want to fight anyway?
Akeem is all over Brutus until Terry Taylor comes to his aid, which works about as well as you can imagine i.e. not at all. Akeem slams down the Rooster and then does his hand spasm dance move again- I might try that next time I’m in a club. The Beefcake stages a comeback and the two faces both double team Akeem and tie him up in the ropes. Monsoon jokes that Akeem isn’t doing well without his partner in there and Ventura snipes “because of Hogan’s cheating…” and Gorilla’s reply is “…you got that right.” Even Monsoon has given up trying to defend the Hulkster now.
#25 is out and it’s the Barbarian with Mr. Fuji, btw Fuji looked ridiculous with Power of Pain style face paint on. The Barbarian lifts up one of Akeem’s legs and pretends that he is going to help them before hitting Rooster and Brutus, which was pretty hilarious. If I has in his shoes and I had a chance to punch Beefcake too I would have done the same. The Barbarian then tries to eliminate Akeem all by himself, which although stupid is a great heel thing to do- as he would believe that he wouldn’t need anybody elses help to do it.
Nothing much happens in the ring in the meantime and it now occurs to me that if Akeem was still The One Man Gang the commentators could have commented that after he was the runner-up last year he was now going to try and go one better and win the whole thing, which would have made the last quarter of this match at least a bit more entertaining. The Barbarian and Beefcake are fighting it out in the turnbuckle which leaves poor Terry Taylor at the mercy of Akeem and the big men connects with the ‘Typical Fat Guy Move #2’ and completely squashed him- and yes!! More crazy dancing from the African!! Sure the crowd boo him, but when Rikishi does it?! Maybe in 1989 just wasn’t ready for dancing fat men just yet?
#26 is Big John Studd. Monsoon calls him one of the odds-on-favourites to win it all. Behind Hogan and Savage obviously…and Andre…and Jake and etc… Looking at the box of my video case it says “The Royal Rumble- featuring Savage, Hogan and Andre the Giant” with photos of them- just below that it has photos of Jake, Boss Man, Dibiase, Bad News and Brutus Beefcake (wtf is he doing there?) So the fact there is now picture of Big John suggests to me that he wasn’t that much of a pre-match favourite. It does say his name on the back of the video box, but then that is right before Ron Bass and he sucked.
Anyway with most of the big names now sadly out that means John has a shot of winning and the first thing he does when gets in the ring is to throw Rooster out of the way and to beat up Akeem all by himself. Brutus tries to help Studd but John just tosses him aside too.
#28 is Hercules, without his chain sadly. Rooster again tries to help John and again gets shoved away. Hercules then attacks Big John, but Studd is a no-selling machine tonight and pushes him to the mat while Bruti and Taylor crotch the Barbarian on the top rope, but he ends up falling into the ring, not out of it.
The second to last man to enter is a pre-model Rick Martel at last adding some talent to the ring. He may be a model, but he isn’t too bright as he goes after Akeem and John….ugh I am getting bored of talking about Studd pushing/tossing/throwing/shoving men to the floor and running out of verbs so I am going to ignore him now. Rooster gets dropkicked to the floor by Martel, which is the first entertaining thing to happen since Boss Man and Hogan left, well aside from Akeem’s dancing anyway. Hercules, who I think is a face here, is teaming up with the Barber to try and toss the Barbarian out and the Power of Pain member is almost upside-down on the turnbuckles.
Ventura works out that since Martel is number 29 then we know who number 30 is. “That’s right, the man with the big bucks!” Jesse Ventura asks Monsoon if he doesn’t buy that Ted could have drawn number 30 and indeed Gorilla doesn’t buy it all “Did you see how upset he was when he drew his number?” Ventura’s reply to that is a classic line- “Well maybe he was upset because he wanted #1 and that he wanted to prove himself?” It’s a hilarious comment but also given the late draws that Boss Man and Akeem got it’s the most rational explanation too. But don’t worry Teddy, you’ll get your chance at being one of the first entrants someday….
The claxon goes off for the last time and Ted walks down to the ring with Virgil, who unlike the managers is not going to the back. Dibiase goes right after…the Red Rooster, which fits his heel persona perfectly as he would want to go for the jobber first. Hercules is the Million $ Man’s next target, a man who used to be his slave, so that is also good storytelling. Monsoon then catches sight of Virgil and asks what he is doing still out here, but Ventura says that since he is a bodyguard and not a manager maybe he is allowed to stay. Monsoon simply replies with “He‘s a stooge that‘s what he is.”
So we are down to the final eight now then- Ted Dibiase, Akeem, Big John Studd, Rick Martel, Hercules, Brutus the Barber Beefcake, The Barbarian and the Red Rooster and as soon as I type that Ted whips Terry Taylor into the ropes and the Rooster does the Flair move where the momentum takes him up and over the ropes to the floor. Elsewhere Hercules has the Barber locked in a bear hug, but Brutus escapes this by using his free hands to hit the strongman in the head, why other people don’t do that I don’t know. Beefcake then jumps on Hercules back and locks in a sleeper hold. Dibiase and the Barbarian then grab hold of Hercules and throw him and Beefcake out at the same time. Dibiase’s taunting of the eliminated men by making money gestures is funny.
The Barbarian hits Martel with a running power slam and then a diving head butt of the turnbuckles. The commentators say that Martel is now as good as done as The Power of Pain member stands Rick up in the ring and tries a clothesline but the member of Strike Force ducks and the Barbarian flies into the ropes. Martel then connects with a dropkick, which looks more like a dropknee actually, which teeters the Barbarian on the ropes and Rick then eliminates him leaving us with our final four.
Its not four for long however as Martel then charges at Akeem and aims to connect with a cross body but he is caught by the big man and dumped out of the ring. So it’s come down to Akeem, John and Dibiase. Akeem beats on Studd while the Million $ Man tells him what to do. Dibiase directs Akeem to nail John with an avalanche and the Dancing African does just that. Ted gets right in John’s face and starts trash talking him and tells Akeem to hit a second avalanche. Akeem steamrolls towards John, but Studd is able to pull Dibiase in the way. Ted falls to the mat and Akeem tends to him, but John hits him from behind and the big man falls out of the ring after being in their for over eighteen minutes, not bad going for a man of his size.
So it’s down to two people and Ted decides to try and pay-off Studd, but Big John isn’t having any of it. I would have taken the money and run happily. This was before the winner of the Rumbles would get a shot at the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania, so they are just fighting for pride really. I guess my pride has a price, unlike John’s. Though I guess winning this match is the main reason he is even remembered by most fans today. Ted tries to climb the turnbuckles, but Studd goozles him and slams him back into them. Studd then beats on Dibiase with slams, right hands and an impressive double-hook-under-am suplex plus a horrid looking gut wrench suplex and appears to be having fun.
Ventura says he should never underestimate Dibiase though despite how bad things look for him. 0.1 seconds later and Ted is gone and we have out winner. The crowd cheer Studd, but Virgil isn’t too impressed and hits John from behind. Studd no-sells them, he’s not selling anything. Studd then tosses Virgil over the ropes too and celebrates in the ring. We then head to the back for an interview with Randy Savage where he says he was eliminated, not because he wasn’t the better man, but because he was a ‘victim of circumstances’ that’s an awesome way to put it. Savage then says that the whole situation with Hogan was just a “miss-understanding” but Mean Gene argues with that and is generally being an arse and trying to stir things up between the Mega Powers. Monsoon thinks things are all rosy, but Ventura isn’t buying at all…
Well that’s the 1989 Royal Rumble and it was pretty good on the whole. It certainly started off very well with Andre the Giant dominating things, throwing out three people before eliminating himself due to his fear of snakes. Then we had the Savage vs. Brown feud being played out in this match before Hogan eliminated them both setting off a chain of events that would result in Savage turning heel on him. I believe Savage is the only person to turn alignment while holding the WWE world title, strange how that’s never happened since. Then you had Hogan battling the Twin Towers, but once Hulk and Boss Man left nothing happened.
The match should get more dramatic as we get closer and closer to the climax, but this one teeters out and becomes very dull. The intrigue with Dibiase was fun, even if it didn’t make a great deal of sense (what’s so bad about #21?), but you just didn’t get the feeling that Big John Studd was the deserving winner. Maybe that was due to him no-selling everything all night as you never got the feeling that he was in trouble, so there was no heroic comeback story on anything. It felt like Superman showing up at the end and blowing people over the ropes with his super breath- fun at time perhaps, but ultimately shallow and forgettable. Maybe they could have fed a few more people to Andre, such as Red Rooster, so we didn’t end up with so many no-hopers left at the end, but what’s done is done. A good rumble, but it could have been so much more.
Overall- 7/10
